Someone is about to get popped off on…

And here is why….

Here I am – tired as hell from no sleep – walking through the lovely Memphis airport (lovely is definitely a joke) – keeping to myself because I am aware that I am cranky and don’t want to be around people. I am trying to go through my normal airport extravaganza which includes: being slightly late, kind of hungry, kind of in a hurry, and a little hungover. Hoping the day would be uneventful and that the people I am forced to be around will just keep to themselves as I plan to keep my own. But… let me introduce you to my vacation day intruders …

Intruder 1: she is the cause of my blog today- she has never traveled or she is also in a “mood” today, like myself. Intruder 1 goes through the wrong security line and in rare airport form- the TSA agents bring this confused woman over the the Pre-check line- directly in front of me. I try to be very pleasant and welcome her to the “Traveler” side but she is acting irregular. All of the people in front of her are placing items on the belt and advancing towards the metal detector – but not her- she continues to just stand in front of me, making zero notion that she will be scooting forward. So, I make a slight move to slip by her – she then decides to inch over and block. This is fair as I would do the same to someone. But the weird thing here is- she does not move to put her bags on the conveyor. Now all people have gone through the metal detector and here her and I stand – with all bags in hand. She finally does advance closer and closer until finally placing her bag and belongings right at the spot where the bags disappear. I am very annoyed at this point and likely was making huffing noises. As the woman places final bag on conveyor – I put mine on as well and forcefully give it a little scootch and watch it collide with her purse and disappear… (and here comes the title of this blog)..

This woman snatched her head back at me so hard and gave me a death stare in disgust that would normally melt ones soul. Unfortunately- this old hen was not ready for my reaction back. When she looked at me- it took all my strength to not snatch that damn Barbie doll wig off her head and let her know she is holding a whole damn line up- I was being so nice and calm and patient.. and the nerve she had at 6am is one I was not ready for.

Moving on:

Intruder 2: Asian man – not trying to scare off anyone with any racial tones or attitudes – but Some folks don’t have the same concept of personal space. And all I mean by this is: you need to keep a proper distance around my personal bubble. That’s all I ask. And Intruder 2 violated this clause – and didn’t know – and most importantly, didn’t care… until I let him know about my phobia of China and all things related to mass amounts of people in small spaces. That’s one thing I don’t do. I love all people and all social settings- except when there is no personal space.

The main problem with Intruder 2 was that he followed directly after my incident with Intruder 1. He came through the metal detector right after me and then got in front of me and blocked me from getting my bag. I was annoyed and spoke out loud with an “excuse you sir” and he kindly ignored me.. so I tapped his shoulder and said- “excuse you sir,” and just shook my head at him giving him one of my better confused facial expressions spelling out: ” is this normal for you ?”

I was completely satisfied with my decision and got my bag and went on with my morning walk to the sky club. Intruder 2 followed- of course- and continued to violate my space rules as I tried to prepare a small breakfast snack. He actually reached across me to get some spice to add to his egg- in my head- I swatted the shit out of his arm- like I would one of my friends going for an extra reach across the table- but in reality, I just stepped back and let him finish his meal prep and I waited as to not cause a scene or any unwanted violence.

There are no more intruders of the story- and so far- nothing too exciting or out of the ordinary on my travels to Aruba. There is an annoying guy who is laughing out loud in hysterics at his movie- but can’t be mad – he is just living life and I’m sure I have annoyed a few souls that were fortunate to be sitting near me on a flight. Thank you Delta for having Woodford Reserve – and for easing my travel tensions…

COMING NEXT WEEK….

I am going to be starting a weekly blog about my favorite travel destinations! All the good stuff for you to know to help plan an awesome trip! Look for the newest post coming this Sunday!! And please let me know what locations you are interested in – there is a good chance I have traveled there and will know all the details!

In the meantime – enjoy this pic of why I hate people …

Umm.. excuse me sir– but I don’t want to climb over you and your smelly feet… do you put your feet on your walls at home…

Cheers from the TravelingGringo

Not an Experienced Flyer? Things you must know before you step foot in the airport!!

As a very frequent traveler- I thought I might share some tips to make your travel experience perfect for those who are inexperienced- (really- I am sharing this with the hope that you will take notes and not be the annoying person traveling near me…)

First things first: you can’t carry your large liquids in your carry on bag. This is not new (remember 9/11) but so many people still seem confused about this. And technically you don’t have to take them out and put in a ziplock baggy. This still confuses me because does the person who came up with this rule/concept have random ziplock bags they always carry around with them? because pretty sure that no one else on Earth does.

Next: if you are unsure what TSA precheck is- please don’t enter the section at security that says it. If your ticket says does say pre-check but you are confused on how it works- just use the regular line- you will know no difference.

Moving walkways: these are designed to give people a break after they have been sitting on a plane for hours– just kidding— they are designed to help people move a little quicker from gate to gate. The purpose is not for a free ride – so if you are so worn out from sitting on in your airplane seat, please make sure you hug the right side of the walkway, with your bag in front of you, so the rest of us humans in the airport can easily walk past you… and possibly make judgments.

Also: since we are talking about the actual airport and maneuvering through it- remember that the middle of the airport is not the best place to stop and stand to chat with family members. Please move you and your clueless crew out of the way of moving travelers. Also- this is not your children’s jungle gym to play tag on and run around and scream. I’m sure you are annoyed with your kids at this point, but don’t take that out on us who have chosen not to travel with children. Thank you in advance!

Best Advice you will receive reading this..

Boarding your aircraft– please pay very close attention… EVERY single airline will give you a boarding zone or number- this number means you can sit in the chairs provided throughout the gate area until that zone or number is called. So- if you are in zones 2, 3, or 4… there is no purpose for you to stand and crowd the boarding area. I repeat: there is no reason for you to stand as close the boarding door as possible. You are literally annoying the life out of anyone who has traveled more than 3 times. This one is not totally your fault (but it is) – I somewhat blame the airlines for causing this mass chaos. Can’t everyone just be like Southwest and give people a number. We are clearly (by we I mean most people, not myself) not smart enough to figure this one out on our own. And Delta- your boarding is the worst. You have zones names Premium and Sky… and then you go to zone 1. Is this to make people feel good for a short period of time- or just to confuse them?

Now let’s get to “How to fly and not bother your neighbors…”

Starting with the window seat. For those who love the window seat, let’s go over some ground rules:

1. If it’s a flight prior to 7:45am, your window is to remain down for the duration of your flight. There are people who are trying to sleep and nothing is more annoying than you sleeping with your window shade up while those around you have the sun in their eyes. From the moment you get on the plane, shut that thing. Do you really need to look at the tarmac and the workers loading bags and stocking snacks on the plane– I’ll answer for you- “no, you don’t.” And once the plane is in the sky- you are most likely above the clouds- you have seen clouds, and they look the same and they are white- and once again you are annoying someone who now has the sun in their eyes.

2. You should never ever ever assume that someone would trade you their middle seat just so they can sit with their family. Nope- sorry- just think about that one on your own for a second……

3. Please don’t assume the person next to you wants to talk. Leave people alone. Yes be nice, say hi, but then mind your own. And if your seat mate is wearing headphones- that is sign language for “please don’t bother me!”

4. This is a weird one- but quite honestly- you shouldn’t really be having in-depth conversations on planes with people. This means that you are likely talking the whole flight and everyone around you is in your conversation, annoyed, and wishing you would zip it, but too nice to say anything. Save your meetings for offices.

5. Never ever should you have your volume on your phone or iPad or whatever you are playing Candy Crush on. No one wants to listen to that sound.

6. Babies and flying: just don’t do it- unless you have great travel experience. If you have traveled a lot- you will understand why not to bring your young children. If you must– please bring them headphones and a movie player- it’s a requirement on all airlines now (just joking- but it should be).

7. Deboarding the plane: please pay close attention here as well. This process is just as bad as boarding. Deplaning can be a smooth process if people are smart, but as you can see from this blog, not many people who fly are smart. This process should have in an orderly fashion- each row should empty entirely- starting with the front and making its way back- to make this easy- start with 1A and the B and C and then move over to 1D followed by E and F. Also to make this even more simple- if you sit in the aisle seat, you have the room to get out of your seat and grab your bag and stand in the walkway. Be nice and grab the bags of fellow seat mates and hand them over to them so they can quickly file off the plane. Once row 1 is all complete, we move to row 2, then 3- you get the idea yet? So if you are in row 9, wait your damn turn- you do not have the authority to go before row 7- but wait- your have a super tight connection and need to hurry off– sorry- so do most of us. *one side note, if you are elderly and slow, no disrespect, but you can wait and let others go in front of you. The wheelchairs waiting for you in the tunnel will still be there- those are not first come-first serve.

8. Getting your bags. Another one of those really annoying times- let’s start with – “Move your little kids and your strollers and baggage carts clear away from the baggage area..” and stand clear back. You hugging the conveyer does not make your bags magically appear. Since you are new to this, your bag is not going to come out first- they have priority baggage which means frequent travelers will get their first – so get back – please…

If you can follow all these rules, you are guaranteed to have a great day– actually- the frequent travelers around you will secretly be thanking you!

CHEERS- and I hope to see you in an airport soon- just joking- I hope that you are driving to your destination…..